>>9781971Well maybe this is a compromise. And i know nobody here has to care about this at all and its nobodies job to tell me not to kill myself.
The original suicide plan is to sell my possessions. I am hoping i can get 1000 for my laptop and maybe 200 for my saxaphone. I'm meeting someone tomorrow to take my room. They think its just for the month.
Then the plan was to fly to Germany. That was the last place I was were I was happy. I want to just look at the old streets and houses I used to look at and buy the foods I can only get over there and just be completely homeless and free with no direction. Preferably also as high and drunk as possible. Totally isolated. No contact with anyone. No worries. Mope around emo angsty teen.jpg.
When I got tired of sleeping on streets I was going to head into the woods and hang myself or jump off a radio tower.
I just don't want to be. I want to be completely free. Like I've died. I don't even want to speak english. I've failed so badly at everything - job, friends, academia, money, romance I want to take it as far as it can go.
For months and months Ive been doing nothing. Somedays I don't leave my room at all. I piss in the sink. I've finally ran out of money to pay rent. I don't believe people should give me money. I refused welfare after what I took what I thought was reasonable. My parents think I still have access to it and don't know I'm impoverished.
I don't want to work. I don't think there's anything noble in that or that I'm better than anyone. I don't want a future or a routine or an identity. I am a spoiled piece of shit I know that. Things failed on me. The things that are supposed to work - medication, exercise, therapy, meditation diet. I did a horrible diet in an effort to improve my mood. I know its related to diet because I have weird problems where my mental state chages along with my color and peripheral vision.
I want to be as close to death as possible. Maybe that is a fair compromise.
