>>4268588I love everything about drawing, I've done it for most of my adult life. But everyone online and offline looking at me like I'm a failure at life and not even any good at art is getting to me. Nobody gives zero fucks unless he's completely autistic.
I didn't care at first because I thought I would eventually get good and at least get this difficult career started. I thought I was aware, prepared, I worked hard, didn't fuck around, but now there's none of the dream left and I know I'll eventually have to cut down on art and draw 1-2 hours "when I'm not too tired". Which given my health state, the drugs I'll need to be functional and the commutes I'm looking forward to is fucking never.
I know how empty it is that they're telling me to quit, I'd be a failure in their eyes even if I actually got a "real job", I'll forever be that retard who wasted his life on stupid shit. I know this and I don't care about getting a "real job", making more money, I don't care about them as people, I don't share their life goals, but hearing you're a failure, you're a joke, you're a loser, you're shit, thank god I'll never raise my kids like your mother raised you, my mother feeling guilty that she raised a failure, it fucking gets to you.
I'm not that selfish, it it's so persistent and real that it can't not get under my skin. Especially since there's my mother involved, she's sorry that she raised me like this, that I'm unhappy, that I'm not prepared for life and other shit that she feels hurt about when I'm just a psychotic trainwreck that should be drugged into a stupor so he can drone on like everyone else. I can't go on living this mess of a life just because I don't want to suffer. I'm depending on others, hurting my mother, running out of money all the time, all because of "art" that nobody gives a shit about.
I don't want to take the drugs again, living like that is hell. You're a zombie who could work any job all day and wouldn't remember, like a fucking robot.
