I want my fucking SBAHJ movie.
It want a virus-laden website from the late 90s to spit out a 140p flip-phone filmed 4 hour video of Ben Stiller in a red onesie and a nude Owen Wilson with blue body paint cavorting around a garage in suburban Florida.
I want the audio to be english, the subtitles spanish, and any text on screen overlaid with poorly translated russian. I want the screen to flicker, audio scratching for half a second every few moments. Its only after 2 hours that I realize its matching my own heartbeat.
I want Donald Glover to be standing in various scenes, unblinking, smiling. He is patient. He can wait. He knows he is the new friend. His time will come.
The scene where Owen sodomizes Ben's mother is not censored. The scene where Owen attempts to flirt with a girl in a Subway parking lot is plastered with [REDACTED] over most of the screen. Owen Wilsons furious face is never covered, nor are Ben Stillers gaping nostrils.
I would claim that this movie changed my life. But it will, unironically, be unintelligible garbage, and thus have no effect on my psyche, nor impart a lesson to me. Rotten Tomatoes will give it a 68%. They claim that it lacks female empowerment.