I remember the old me, but at this point my brain feels like a red hot engine that just won't stop. A constant buzzing like a car stuck in high revs and moving at 15 mph.
The only moment of respite is the 5 minutes I get get right after I wake up. Sometimes I try to hold on for those 5 minutes as long as possible.
I feel physically and mentally weak. I used to have an "angry" temperament but now I am incapable for standing for what I believe in or being angry.
I tried anti-depressants... But to me it feels like admitting defeat. How can I be a whole man if I rely on a pill to make me feel better...
My failures haunt me. My integrity and pride seem, at times, unsalvageable. I hurt people. I don't want to hurt people but I do. The nicer and more wholesome they seem, the more I try to stay away to avoid disappointing or "contaminating" them. To toxic and evil people I am like a magnet. They can smell the pain, it makes them feel whole I think.
A while ago I was an all-star student, great sense of humour. Real friends. Dreams and ambitions. I made sure to sabotage it. I can't get over my failures.
The call of the void... It is "certain". No doubts in the darkness. No unknowns. The chaos of the world is like a hypnotizing mist around me.
This past years... For the first time. I have know what fear and depair are.
Hope and happiness require commitment, strengh. I bent the knee once and it led to these years of pain... Now all I see is the evil in people. Me who used to love humanity so much, I now see it as a ramassis of sleepwalking pigs. I don't want to. I don't try to (God I don't try to). But it's like this virus has a hold over my soul.
But I will make it. This is NOT how it ends. Never again will I discard my own path. I must see it through. Mind over matter.
Any /co/mrads also feel this way? I was going to reply to a Blast thread but it's locked.