>>2402316It's terrible. I couldn't even finish it. It's very out of character and the script format you use isn't easy or interesting to read at all. Start to practice writing in third person, especially for smut fictions which rely a lot on actions rather than dialogue, and think more about the characterisation. When I'm writing I ask myself "what would they say in canon?" How they say it is equally important. Describe what they're doing as they talk, are they looking at the drink they're holding? Crossing and I crossing their legs? Body language is also really important.
I hope my criticism helps somewhat! Please don't be discouraged and keep writing. Everyone starts somewhere!
