>>13135347Normal people hide their secret schizophrenia.
Somewhere down the line, a person got confused with societal expectations, and thought that his thoughts must be a delusion, and that they must be mad, and then they mentally tore in two and then could not hide their schizophrenic self becoming frantic and public thereafter, and became vulnerable to others wanting to get them sectioned. Thereafter, post-diagnosis, they now live in a perpetual thought that they are crazy or were crazy, and thus recovery is impossible. As believe in your former schizo self before the tear is implanted in your head to be unwelcome as a merger to your self. And thus, the tear always remains a tear - psychiatry feeding your reasoning to tear.
The problem: You're not crazy enough.
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia briefly before put back to drug induced psychosis, the above sentiments has sometimes been a notion in my head and isn't some pointer for you to take on board so much. For me, boredom drives me into lala land, which then lala land gives me a headache, so I try with mundane life again, and struggle to find joy. I have ping ponged like this for ages. Simply, I need a joy in life, a way to find meaning without the headache.
I want to find purpose, meaning and depth, but I'm to obsessed with straining my eyes to analyse colours. I find it hard to let go and see if natural living has joy, it seems too flat upon first try, to give any quick excitement. I've forgot how to live normally or I'm too addicted to the meaning of colours which I don't know is delusion or not. How do I be normal. It seems impossibly dull, soulless and boring. Is there some lie in society? How the fuck do you do it. It seems 'delusions' are the way forward. I try and switch off and go with the flow, but I feel a big desire to engage with my surroundings visually.
I think my eyes are fucked. Screw learning via books or academia unless it bolsters my dreams. No joy to be had for me otherwise.
