>>12863622My parents divorced when I was 3, and in truth, never once have I ever seen any indication that men and women are actually capable of loving or even liking each other. I grew up thinking it was all a lie, and either socially inculcated self delusion doomed for failure, or transactional manipulation. This and other reasons caused me to do the approach avoidance "push pull" thing where I suppose it could be said that I lead a few women on then rejected them, because I simply could not imagine myself in that role and it seemed wrong. In high school I was somewhat pursued 3 or 4 women but again, was too fucked up to really get it, or accept it. To this day I have no basis to believe in relationships, in childhood I never saw love, never felt seen, and therefore my development was repeatedly halted and I live through my childhood in adulthood. A fairly classic and time honored labyrinth for Man.
These days I fully recognize and accept that I require some level of attention to continue functioning, so for a while I did the same thing just on a far more detached and compressed timescale. Establish a baseline of competely ignoring women and or disregarding their femininity. Want attention of the shell of connection one day, allow myself to give out the subtle signals and body language and so on, get attention and interest. Go cold again, refuse further connection. I recognized that here too, no matter what I tried to do, no matter where I was, I was simply doing the same thing, and it is what I had always done. It was not only pointless but kind of pitiful as well, though I wouldn't say it was ever harmful either. Therefore I stopped that as well, and simply detach and isolate as a result. Subconsciously I was probably also trying to punish the world by making them feel as rejected, excluded, and alienated as I had felt.
Childhood is what makes you, apparently. There is no easy way out of the labyrinth once too much is layered on.
