Today I noticed suicidal ideation creeping into my drawing practice. I was never like this before the pandemic. I catch myself saying aloud, to nobody, "I should just kill myself," with no prompting. I don't have any friends except high school friends I talk to on discord but I don't share my emotions. I've never been that kind of person. I want to bury myself in the Earth. When will the pandemic end? I tried anti depressants but the CVS said i need to contact my doctor to get more and I can't be assed to do that. Its been two months since I've had the anti depressants. I only took them for a couple months and I had to eat a big breakfast or I would get horrible abdominal pain all day when I took them. Crippling. I don't like my college major but I don't think I would like any college major. I somewhat enjoyed schoolwork at my boarding school in high school but I feel no motivation in college. It's like I peeked behind a curtain and noticed it wasn't useful to succeed in school anymore because I already have scholarships and will get some dumb desk job regardless of my GPA.
Scientifically, what should I do now? I want to lose weight but I struggle with craving calories.