I was a huge "science kid" and made my parents think I was a prodigy. I used to go to student programs at a college and read about advanced math concepts I didn't fully understand. I even went to a stem focused high school. I was supposed to be an engineer like my dad. Then I made the mistake of trying to get girls and failed and gave up on life as a result. for my 25th birthday my mom gave me a nice graphing calculator. The only thing I've done with it is regression in the expected stats of DnD monsters by level table so I don't have to memorize a table to make monster stats in my notebook at work. I work as a PCB technician now and it's a fucking joke. Worse, I am around engineers all day and their jobs seem so goddamn boring to me. There is a girl here who went to s too engineering school and every time I see her I think god I would kill myself if I went to school for 4 years out my heart and soul into it just to end up in this shithole. I remember my mom got me tickets to a seminar on data infographics. I remember sitting in the audience, I was a NEET at the time, looking around at all of the students and professionals. I realized I was always propped up by my privileged upbringing and that there was nothing special about me or transcendent about STEM. My entire worldview is retarded to this day. I feel nothing but guilt everytime I look at the calculator. For a while after starting my job I wanted to hug my mother and apologize for being a fucking failure. Then 5 hours of sleep per night caught up to me and I began to dissociate and stop having erections and the feelings went away.