>>12692971I was diagnosed with schizophrenia for a month until they felt it was more drug induced psychosis.
I still harbor strong confliction. Mainly my belief on how I wish to interpret reality and coping with the boring reality when that fails. Long history with cannabis, conspiracy's, metaphysic notions etc. I've dropped drugs altogether, conspiracy's for the most part, but not metaphysics, that is something I have held on to for 7 years. There's nothing that standard reality offers to me, a girlfriend is just a momentary shag, a nice car can only feel good for a bit, working is obviously dull, co-workers and friends can help but don't fill the void of meaninglessness.
I pendulate very heavily, between a conviction of interpreting life in a metaphysical way, to, being unsure and surrendering to the boring typical take on life.
Boredom could be a strong factor in this magical thinking. Before psychosis I would just play video games to see me through each day and drinking, night outs for my weekends. But over the 7 years of psychosis I've developed a strong philosophy not to have video games take my spare time to my grave. I want to add my own creation and see my own things, not copy others. I want to use my senses for discovery.
The split in my mind is simply between the physical strain I experience when trying to see the world metaphysically, in which I then say this can't be right, so I default back to, boring ole that's a rock, that's a tree, play video games to have things to do bla bla. The choice occurs to me, physical strain (entertaining metaphysics) or strong mental dullness (reality).
I used to not be bothered by video games filling my time, but not anymore. What else could I do in a house? That's why I entertain metaphysics, it fills a void. Until I get physical strain pain from it and swing again to dull reality, in which I wonder why a fucking computer, drinking, friends, girlfriends must be my only escape. I crave depth and a world that lives.
