>>12673750To add: I've been frequently told I'm too open and express myself too much when I'm down, frustrated, etc. Normally from people close to me who tell me it'll make me vulnerable. Which is interesting, as the general perception of autistic people is as being coldly expressionless. This also fits with my experiences at school, etc, where even teachers seemed to become intensely hostile when I was really struggling.
I've tried my hardest to fit in in life - I'm not terribly intelligent, so ended up having to work in 'normie' fields (Army officer, teaching, management) where getting along with others and not standing out was essential. I've tried to 'reinvent' my personality on numerous occasions, to rectify whatever justification others were giving for ostracising me - smile more, be more serious, be less serious, be more open, be less open, talk more, talk less. Yet whatever I've tried has always ignited hostility in others - I'm too assertive, I'm 'camp' and 'silly', I'm arrogant because I don't talk to anyone, I'm overbearing, I'm weak, etc. Another thing I've noticed is that whenever someone tries to fuck with a group of people I'm with, they always target me - which doesn't seem immediately reasonable to me, as I'm of pretty average build and appearance , quite athletic, 6'0", not notably small and weak, ugly, or big. Predictably enough I've ended up becoming a depressed neet with a suicide attempt under my belt.
Ultimately, I think the anon I replied to originally is right, and it's body language on a subconscious level. It certainly isn't something I've been able to pull off despite decades of self-reflection and effort. And it seems like something that ormal people can notice, practically immediately, from across a room. It feels like the Mark of Cain sometimes.
