>>12424086probably
i'm trying to fix it a bit but i'm weak willed as shit. fortunately i'm kind of burnt out on video games
part of me wants to believe it's just psychological. i feel like i wasted 2020 so like trying to "catch up" seems pointless.
i'm afraid of preparing for my attempts at going for a job change into research or even a phd when i turn 26 because it seems painful and as narcissistic as it sounds it really hurts thinking in a long timeline again
like i keep setting delusional goals for myself that i know i'll fail at
i don't know, i just am really upset at myself for blowing this year off. i really just feel like an absolute failure and i completed anything i wanted to except the smallest of fucking tasks this year
at least i started working out again but even then i missed two days because i was being lazy
i actually tried cutting out internet for 2 weeks and it didn't really work either
been on adderall, anxiety disorder = panic attacks on addy, so had to stop
i unironically am setting an ultimatum on some stuff and if i can't even meet those targets by the end of this year i'm seriously considering up on everything and working part time at a bullshit government job
it's a blogpost, but i just feel apprehensive because i feel like i've already failed
maybe i'm making excuses because i've been living damage control so it doesn't matter. i won't finish what i wanted to by the end of the year because i blew it off for 3 months, so it hurts
even my success feels like failure because i'm so far behind
i dunno, had to let it out, hoping it resonates with someone at all because i can't be the only one who thinks like this
at least i actually fucking got up and started working out, in the middle of rest rn
