>>12329222I'm usually only concerned with external correctness by my means which are generated by my mind.
in programming there are so much rules which are different than rigor. readability and style is not rigor. it's just not. Rigor is about measuring correctness and truth. This is why I like proofs. I got into them late, it wasn't until middle school when I started studying logic and the underlying themes of math. So yes I am more of an abstract idea man. Which I know is in upper level CS, I'm not a very good monkey. But society is built like a pyramid. I only do well as the monkey. I'm not a team player, I'm basically a schizoid type autismo, I'm too nervous to even talk to girls. I have "prefers to not be around person of the opposite sex" under things that help me with my disability, even my profs, I always make sure they are male. When I was having trouble with my programming assignment I felt lost and hopeless I started acting self injurious, I punched my head, my legs, and hurt my hand really bad hitting a wall. This is why I love math. math is perfect. I love it. It's safe. I like numbers more than people, they are all my friends, so I don't get why my mother pressures me to make human friends; I already have infinity plus one of them.
my existence is pathetic and I don't think I will make it. And I don't want to be a burden on my mother, I choose to live by her will, she has always told me how to be and what to do but it's harder for her, she really wants me to have a job and be independent and I really don't want to fail her. If I do I want to kill myself so she doesn't have to suffer with me alive because I was defective. She will not be sad very long because she has other children that will exercise her biological information and satisfy her will. sometimes she will cry and talk about me to her husband because I am not how she wants me to be. I don't really understand, but the only thing I give value is my mother's opinion.
watching anime isnt ajob
