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I'll give you an honest answer. Deep down I always believed there was something, but I was confronted endless times with events that are so far removed from what is, at least in my opinion, good for the entirety of existence, that gradually my "faith" began to waver. I was brought up a Catholic child and soon outgrew the various dogmas, but still somewhere I believed. But I've seen people dear to me die in meaningless accidents, days before they could retire. Others lose their mind in old age after a gracious life of helping others. Young boys run over by cars, left paralyzed and brain damaged for life. Endless animals I loved and grew up with died meaningless deaths. Children born dead or dying of cancer when their age did not even reach the double digits. I've seen the gratuitous, cruel evil of people my age (when I was 14 !) who delighted to see others suffer ! And finally, I see what we are doing to the planet and to each other and that nobody wants to stop this immense crime against all creation.
How can one go on believing ? How can one trust whatever higher being, if it exists, that watches over us ?
I do not mean to say that our existence should be a completely guided, unconscious ride through a life devoid of suffering. Such a life would also be devoid of meaning.
But this world, it can be no work of a God or whatever you may call it. And if God does exist, he should be the one to burn in Hell for eternity, for dreaming up a universe of such a nightmarish nature. Its inherent beauty does not justify its overwhelming horror.
I do not believe...anymore
