Alcohol is the only thing that makes me feel. Why?

I've been lifeless for months. But every time I drink I can conjure the distress I incessantly feel.

After having been overwhelmed with emotional distress today, I broke. But I still didn't feel anything. Somehow the apathy got worse. Then I got drunk and it's the first fucking time in months I've been able to cry. Finali met this fucking awful torture beyond it just sucking the fucking life out of me for another night. I don't think this wouldve happened without ethenol. So this leads me to wonder if there's somehow I can manipulate the chemicals in my head to feel in a more productive manner.

I've read something concerning enhanced GABAergic neurotransmission, an effect of alcohol, perhaps being the cause of catharsis, but Im uneducated in even basic biology, and I don't understand the literature. I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic but I want to feel regardless. Help