I think the only way to live a beautiful life is to maintain focus on misery. We are hedonists addicted to pleasure wherever however we can get it. If attractive enough we fuck for it but it is hollow and empty, devoid of beauty. I am speaking bullshit and i don't fucking trust myself to explain anything. It has been 20 years of trying to mash words together in an attempt to convince myself i understand anything but keeping pain misery and suffering in focus seems to have value. i dont want to be distracted i want to feel i want to feel i want to feel i want to know how to feel i want to know other people want to feel i want to see someone else going crazy trying to feel im gonna be dead someday i want to feel whatever i can before i die preferably value and purpose and beauty i dont know how to make it happen i spend every waking of this moment thinking about how to feel beauty trying to feel beauty trying to feel value trying to instill value i wish i understood things better