Been suffering for a lifetime from this and im so desperate im close to ending it.

Eaely symtomps i remember:

>at age of 3 in kindergarden we had those digimon plushies from a mcdonalds happy meal and when mine got dirty i completely lost it and wanted a new one. My friends didnt care and thought it would be cool to be dirty because it means it went through training
>at 5 years old we had those football panini sticker albums and you could stick those things either perfectly into it or do it halfass and everytime somebody didnt do it perfectly i was upset about it and thought to myself why they dont seem to care
>at age of 7 i was already so far gone that i spend most of my freetime in maladaptive daydreaming about perfect scenarios in anime worlds or whatever i was watching or playing with at that point
>at 9 years old i got a gameboy and the second it got a scratch on it i started crying i wanted a new one
>same with yugioh cards, had to be perfect. Slight scratch and i threw them away
Now i can count thousand of more autistic examples but you get the point.

Im 24 now and i obviously dont suffer from the same ocd symptoms as i did as a child but i still do in different but just as destructive form. I only know black or white. Either i live like a monk or relapse on cocaine and alcohol. Either i weigh my food and even the tomatoes or i just say fuck it and binge on 10k calories. Either i drive a sportscar or take the bus, either i have an ap or no watch at all. Now this was me at around 18-22. Luckily i beat all materialistic bullshit and sold everything off but what im left is the body dysmorphia.

Either im 8% shredded or i cant enjoy life. Either i do nofap, nodrugs, nomedia, nothing in extremes or i relapse on every fucking thing. I know no moderation. Im mentally ill. I have abused cocaine for years. Im 9 months clean now but im mentally broken. Cont.