there's so many things which would've been cool to do, and i know i could do it, but i just simply can't find any motivation what so ever to do any of it.

this depression shit has been going on for so long now. i keep working hard enough to be slightly above average, constantly laying on bare minimum improvement to just keep being able to pay rent (and lately setting up pension fund and so forth so that's all settled). because what the fuck is the point at aiming for greatness when constantly performing better than 55% of the rest of the people at all points in my life will in the end land me in the top reaches of society simply due to "competitive compound interest"? i can feel my potential just slipping through my hands like sand, and i can't seem to find any rational reason to do anything about it. there is no point. people are incredibly uninteresting. libido is basically entirely gone. nothing is exciting. wake, work, gym, cook, sleep, repeat.

can't do an hero either since my stupid fucking survival instinct is too strong. just trapped in this hellish gray world of independent monotony.

anyyway, thanks for reading my blog, what motivates you?