So i've spent a lot of tiem in my own head. Enough tiem to recognize that i am ruled by forces i can't for the life of me understand. The most peculiar thing is the words and ideas in my head. I use words/ideas/imagination to try and understand things. And that in itself has become a point of obsession. Where the fuck do these words come from? The images? The ideas? And most importantly, why the fuck can't i control any of it? I've realized that i can't force understanding, it comes about on it's own. And this is driving me fucking crazy now. When i was younger my thoughts raced so much because there was so much to understand. It made me feel in control. I'm 29 now, and i understand a fucking lot. So much that i'm fucking lost whenever i try to get my thoughts racing. I miss my racing thoughts but it just isn't fucking leading to anything anymore, it's becoming tedious but the only fucking thing i enjoy in this life is understanding things.

more to come maybe, let me figure out where the fuck i'm going from here