i seek out affection any way i can get it, even if i have to go back on my principles. i do this because i want to feel like someone needs me, and i need to constantly be around someone.
i'm mean to people i generally like because i want to feel superior in some way, because in every other aspect of my life i can't control, i'm constantly beaten down by others. this does not excuse making someone feel like shit.
i leave a group of friends every year because i have an incessant need to "reset" everything after i start to feel like a situation is beginning to not work in my favor. this matters to me because i feel that as soon as i lose control, i will be left behind, or ignored.
i can't abide being ignored, because i feel as if the things i say matter. if i'm not responded to, i feel a very destructive urge to hurt myself. i do this because i want to be liked by everyone, despite the fact that i always say that it doesn't matter what people think. it does matter. to me. i want friends. i need friends. i love attention, i love giving attention.
i tell myself i am not a good person because i want to believe it so i can justify my behavior. i can't. i always regret saying mean things and i only want people to feel good. this doesn't make me a good person, but it doesn't make me want to think i'm not trying.
i miss my friends. i miss having people to talk to all day, but i genuinely deserve this. i don't deserve to be as lucky as i have been to have met such beautiful and wonderful people.
i would kill myself, but it would only make things worse. i deserve to suffer. typing this out is helping, and i'm posting it here so someone who possibly feels the same way could see their feelings put into words and understand better.