>>2657744It's accurate. but a little dry. I think you should focus on
characterization and character dynamics. Break the speaking order if you have too.
For example, Between Willow, The king, and the minister,
Willow is trying to be respectful and humble. "How may I be of service?"
The King is overly familiar, and the Minister is there to smooth things over.
I would say the King isn't your average aristocrat. But you're too direct with your translation so that's not detectable and the minister is just repeating the king.
King: There's no need to be so formal. You're a likeable guy.
Will: ...My king...
Minister: This is the King's pure feelings.
The king is obviously hitting on the lad, and he doesn't know who to interpret.
Crank up the sexual innuendo to 11
Will: It's so big. I don't think I can take it.
>talking about the rewardKing: I like a tight ass, but if you don't loosen up I might break you.
Will: ...B-break me, lord?
Minister: Ahem. The king is merely expressing a fondness for your company and wishes to keep you close.
Will: Oh, of course. I knew that. (Thought I was in danger)
King: So, what are your plans for tonight?
Will: (I am in danger!)
Will: I need to retreat - for the night, I mean. At the inn.
King: Shame. Well, I won't keep you to myself.
Will: Right, I want to help as many people as I can. But, I'll visit you when I can.
King: Good Luck on you're journey. And I'll look forward to that...but.
