When I study mathematics it doesn't feel real. It just feels like a rough approximation of the quantities and patterns that exist in nature sorted into neat little arbitrary blocks for human use and in a vacuum they really mean jack shit. Not even numbers feel real. What the fuck is a number? It's an abstraction. It's neat the way it fits together I guess but it feels about as "real" and concrete as any other language.

How do I study mathematics while being gay, retarded and unable to appreciate mathematics beyond this?