I've been a shitty postdoc.
I transitioned from synthetic organometallic chemistry to physical inorganic chemistry, and I never thought I would be able to hate something like I hate this shit. I'm just starting my second year (my contract was renewed oddly enough), and the consequences of the train wreck that was my first year are starting to surface. I had two major projects, one of which is finally nearing completion, but the other is messy as shit, and my boss is growing increasingly impatient with me. I'm not blaming him for my situation, but it bears mentioning that he is a terrible manager and gossips like a catholic fucking schoolgirl.
I was THE most valuable member of my group when I got my PhD last year, and I have 7 first author papers in good (mostly ACS) journals to my name. When I got to my postdoc however, for some reason everything immediately fell apart for me. I lost my will to succeed, I lost interest in research, and I'm fairly certain that I've developed clinical depression. I thought I would like this current group, but I hate even getting out of bed these days.
I'm not proud to admit it, but lately I've been seriously considering suicide to escape this shit. My boss is as petty, vindictive, and egomanical as they come, and I'm certain if I don't pull a magic rabbit out of my ass this year and get amazing results from everything, he will go out of his way to ruin any subsequent employment opportunities. I don't want to put my family through the pain of losing a son and a brother to suicide, but I don't see what other viable options I have. I don't know how many other employers would give somebody like me a second chance, and that's scary.
Are there any other current or former postdocs (or anybody really) here who have dealt with feelings/situations like this?
I transitioned from synthetic organometallic chemistry to physical inorganic chemistry, and I never thought I would be able to hate something like I hate this shit. I'm just starting my second year (my contract was renewed oddly enough), and the consequences of the train wreck that was my first year are starting to surface. I had two major projects, one of which is finally nearing completion, but the other is messy as shit, and my boss is growing increasingly impatient with me. I'm not blaming him for my situation, but it bears mentioning that he is a terrible manager and gossips like a catholic fucking schoolgirl.
I was THE most valuable member of my group when I got my PhD last year, and I have 7 first author papers in good (mostly ACS) journals to my name. When I got to my postdoc however, for some reason everything immediately fell apart for me. I lost my will to succeed, I lost interest in research, and I'm fairly certain that I've developed clinical depression. I thought I would like this current group, but I hate even getting out of bed these days.
I'm not proud to admit it, but lately I've been seriously considering suicide to escape this shit. My boss is as petty, vindictive, and egomanical as they come, and I'm certain if I don't pull a magic rabbit out of my ass this year and get amazing results from everything, he will go out of his way to ruin any subsequent employment opportunities. I don't want to put my family through the pain of losing a son and a brother to suicide, but I don't see what other viable options I have. I don't know how many other employers would give somebody like me a second chance, and that's scary.
Are there any other current or former postdocs (or anybody really) here who have dealt with feelings/situations like this?
