>>14254078I get where you're coming from. I fell into a similar mindset before. The years of hurt are certainly real. It's hard for anyone not to descend into pessimism and defeatism. But somehow I matured, growing out of that mindset. I don't know what the exact catalyst was but I did get treated for my depression which felt like the colors got added back into the world. Although it's still a constant battle that has to be waged for the upper hand. Depression usually sticks with you for the rest of your life, it is never truly cured. But I realized that mindset is fruitless, ultimately useless. Sure you can acknowledge that you are/have been alone and the pain it brings but at the same time that unless you are a schizoid, you cannot deny your natural desire to not be alone. Trying to rebel against this is a defense mechanism acting to protect your ego from any more hurt. That by fighting it you can delude yourself that you didn't actually want it to begin with, because after all you are resisting so how could that possibly mean you wanted it. Not realizing the only person you are hurting in this act of sabotage and spite is yourself. It's not being honest with yourself. You can acknowledge the temporary loneliness and pain but you don't have to let it triumph over you. So don't stop looking, even if it doesn't come, because that is the truth behind who you are. Just be prepared to accept it if it never comes because that's the nature of this universe, there is only so much you can do and most of it is outside of your control. You tried your best with the cards you were dealt and that's what ultimately matters. Also I struggled a lot with body dysmorphia and it made me hate myself and act out in self-sabotage. I don't know if that was a part of depression or if I'm actually a late bloomer that got more attractive with age but I also shed that mindset. I can appreciate my attractiveness now, but without a woman to enjoy it and make happy, it feels like it's wasted.
