You think you're so great, you pseudointellectual poser?

I'm 19 years old.

I am handsome, smart, athletic and virile.

I have a thesis that is in it's final editing stage, and a professor at my college has read the first draft and thinks it's a scientific revolution.

I have a girlfriend who is confident, articulate, playful and spontaneous.

I have a small group of interesting friends from different social and academic backgrounds, and I also have many other acquaintances who see me as a reliable source of humour and good company.

Both my parents are alive and in good health.

I have no regrets.

I have already experienced three existential crises, the latter of which was described as having the depth and profundity of a man twice my age.

I am a passionate lover, a sharp thinker, and a trader of witty repartee.

I am not self-pitying, meek or needlessly humble.

I will live a good life at your expense.