>>13827622out in the woods the other day anjd all this shit kept coming into and looping in my mind about submitting to other men, being dominated and penetrated, dicks, sucking dicks. The giveaway though was that it felt hollow. I didn't feel excited or tempted, just like I would probably jerk off or suck a dick due to sheer apathy. A lack of inner judgment, discrimination, and resistance. there was no genuine desire or expectation of fulfillment. Like I said, it feels like something alien that is being done to me to torment, distract, mislead, whatever. I feel it is in some way coming from the outside. I mean really, nearly 30 years of focusing on women then suddenly covid and all this weird shit starts going on and then oh wow maybe I was kinda gay all along [insert reasons]. Research was done on brain stimulation via implants during MKULTRA, and one of the most interesting finding is whenever they remotely stimulated the brain and made the patient do something, then asked why they did it, they always came up with some reason that they had decided to do so. They got one 11 year old boy to confess his love to the male interviewer by repeatedly stimulating the sexual centers of his brain whenever he interacted with him, but dampening it when he spoke to the women.
Anyway, I found it obnoxious and started to think what the fuck is wrong with me, why is it always some bullshit. Sort of affected my confidence, like a form of gaslighting you start to wonder do I really like what I like? Do I really want what I want? Am I just suppress some sort of "true self" to fit with social norms etc? If I go after this woman am I doing wrong by her, what if I can't get it up, and so on. All bullshit. If you consciously step out of it and look at it from the outside you'll realize it is alien, and it immediately all stops and disappears from your mind. Like waking from a dream. I think it is no coincidence none of this was present in my mind prior to covid.
