In one last masochistic attempt to destroy what little self-esteem I have left and finally find the courage kill myself, I have decided that I want to learn mathematics. I am a moron, a big moron. I don't know if I would qualify as clinically retarded because I never had the courage to get tested. But I did absolutely terrible in mathematics during my high school years. I didn't go along with the teachers, but I know that beyond that interpersonal hostility I also had a poor affinity with numbers. I did terrible in school as a whole, but particularly so in everything that involved mathematics.
I'll have to be honest about my situation: I'm in my early 30s and I am at square one. I can't do anything beyond very basic calculations off my head, and I am unsure about the most basic results I get to. Without touching on the carousel of failure that is my personal history, this has been gnawing at me for a while. I am unfortunate enough to be a retard with an ego. I know I probably won't go very far, but I want to try learning math seriously to test myself and see if I can break through this obstacle, or ultimately accept that I am what I am. I've been thinking about this for a long time now.
This is my first post in /sci/. I don't know the culture here, I don't know how frequent this kind of question is. Can you recommend me a good course, possibly something modular that covers the basics first and then the more advanced notions? I hope I am intelligent enough to get to logarithms but I doubt it. All I know is that I want to try my best. I did try Khan Academy long ago but I didn't like something about its format and I abandoned it. I'd like something that is possibly in book form.