Did everyone abandon you eventually because they thought you were either retarded or a faggot?>>12959286
Well, I do have a craving for power. I always wanted to be Renaissance Man and an Aristocratic Sorcerer Philosopher Scientist Artist Emperor. I don't know what I value. Strength of character, I suppose? I admire people who can stick to something and not waver. Who have true principles. Sometimes I feel like a phony, sometimes I feel like a god. Oftentimes I doubt everything I believe and know, and suspect that I'm lying to myself, but I know that's not possible. I genuinely envy people who can lie to themselves. I never could. >>12959331
My mother literally stopped trying in the last year of school and turned in empty papers during her final exams. All because she wanted to "look cool". So the fact that I'm autistic is a genetic. I fucked my life up in Uni. First year went fine. The moment I started struggling I gave up. Then defeatism started hitting me, and instead of trying to fix it, I decided>I know, I'll become a functioning alcoholic like Don Draper and Tony Stark, then have a great arc where I have to overcome it 10 years later when I'm rich and succesfull and my addiction jeopardizes my Fortune 500 Company
I'm not kidding. That was literally my fantasy. Just to seal the deal, I started posting on feels threads and making my situation worse, while watching the most depressing films I could find and jerking off to (mostly) SPH and niggercuck porn. I was that commited to it. During one trip to the store, I noticed that it was full of people, so I bought my usual booze, opened the whiskey and started drinking while pretending to be drunk. You don't want to know what I did during my Lab Exam...
And then one day I stopped drinking, and throughout 2020 I got tired of defeatism and eventually reached apathy. I don't know anon, I think there's legitimately something wrong with me. As if I cannot grasp the consequences.