I was a sensitive kid. And my whole life I always saw that as a bad thing that I should try to fix. But now I see as an artist sensitivity and emotional awareness would have been a superpower and I even managed to fuck that by fighting against it for 3 decades.
I remember watching the show Daria, and consciously thinking I should adopt her demeanor or being too cool or not caring, and yea that will mostly protect you but it also isolates you from people. My weight went up and down. Eventually I got braces, but puberty hit me like a ton of bricks, and I just became ugly. I was a late bloomer with women, gave up on drawing and developed a porn problem exactly like my father. Enormous source of shame and waste of time, big secret burden.
ended up going to college for a fucking retarded humanities degrees and couldn't find any work, and ended up with tons of debt. then had to live with my parents and work terrible low paying manual labor shameful jobs throughout my 20s. I had no social life. I wasted my youth. Everything I touch turns to shit, and I am only getting older.
I finally climbed out of the debt prison in my early 30s. found a white collar job that paid enough for me to get an apartment and a car. Started drawing again. Because so depressed I had to start seeing a therapist. Job is so stressful I've developed chronic pain.
My only way out is to go back to school for something art related I guess like ui/ux or cad/cnc... something where I can actually get a job. so now i'll be a mid 30 something who is broke again, living with my mom again, which will prolong my depression, keep me out of shape, and make it impossible to meet a woman.
Best case scenario I can start dating when I'm like 40 and I'll have no money. and my parents' health is declining. And I have no friends.
And hey the political situation in this country isn't great. If you hadn't noticed this isn't really a free country. Maybe some of you already knew. I didn't.