>>95054902EMS guy here as well, I was fresh out of EMT class and on the rig with my partner who was in the field for 6 years. We worked alongside fire department and we had a similar situation, I performed CPR on a little girl around 2-3 years old and for the love of god I am trying my damndest to get anything out of her.
She sadly doesn't respond to anything as we arrived on scene with her not breathing for god knows how long and I get the signal from the paramedic to stop performing CPR. I stand up and start packing things into my jump kit everything felt so surreal and I felt so heavy and her mom trembling and picks up her daughter's body and lets out a wail and bawls and cries out her name into the night sky.
For the love Of all things holy when I was hearing that in person and seeing that little girl's life over it just felt so wrong on a primal level....
Things she is missing out..., her first day in school, making friends, even experience the simple joys in life all snuffed out.
The hallway towards the exit was only 5 feet away but it felt like a fucking mile walking over with other family members looking at me in disbelief and what burned into my memory forever is her older brother who is around 8 looks at me like I had given up with tears in his eyes welling up.
I couldn't look that kid at the eyes and simply said "I'm sorry little I tried everything I could."
It has been 8 years now and I work as a nurse in the ER.
That moment is forever burned into me and that scenario plays in my head time to time.
It feels good to talk about nowadays but I remember I was a fucking wreck when it happened.
You got my support man, I may not be on the field but damn it the shit we see in the field tests the mettle of a person and all the training in the world doesn't preparing for seeing this shit in person.
