>>91364151See, this is where I get even more confused
When I was in high school I had a few crushes on girls. They were never sexual in nature, but "I want to be in a relationship with them and marry". I never acted on it at all because I thought I'd get over it within a month or so, and sure enough I did.
I had a close friend in high school, but looking back it was a pretty shit dynamic without open communication - so it's no real surprise it fell apart once he got a girlfriend and school ended. Since then I've learnt not to rely on others for self worth (ie not be a clingy shit), and now I've got a close friend again but with a much healthier dynamic.
I do find some guys visually attractive - meaning I like the way they look, but they don't give me an erection, if that makes sense. My closest friend at the moment, the reason I first bothered speaking to him in class was because I thought he was cute. We're both physically touchy, we hug but nothing more than that. He's pretty effeminate but considers himself straight since gay porn doesn't get him hard (he's had a few girlfriends but I believe he's still a virgin).
In my head there's a really weird blurry line between close friend and romantic relationship - since sex isn't consciously a motivation, the only thing distinguishing the two is label semantics (and I guess future obligations to move in or whatever). I can't think of any way hanging out with a close friend would be different to a date once you're in a relationship, besides kissing/sex obligations.
Sometimes I think about what it would be like to do sexual things with him, but it's more of a 'what if' than a desire to actually do it, if that makes sense. I don't know if that's just because I'm repressed and/or this is emotionally the closest relationship I've had with anyone so my mind's testing the waters.
I could accept bi, but I can't be gay without destroying what's currently a civil family relationship where we don't fight at all
