Wow, I guess this more of a common occurrence than I thought. It doesn't make mine seem so embarrassing.
I had just finished devouring way too much food at McDonalds (I was having one of those weeks) and I stopped by the grocery store to pick up some essentials. I was grabbing milk when I felt the urge. There was an old lady near me and I didn't want to subject her to that so I power walked into the aisle with the coffee beans and decided it was safe to rip add there. I mean, who the fuck would be grabbing coffee beans at 7 PM?
I let out one of the nastiest gas emissions this side of WWII. I shit you not, this was worse than even words could describe. Before my cheeks had even stopped flapping I was plugging my nose and nearly hurling. I thought to myself that I had to leave the area immediately...and that's when I noticed.
There, situated not three feet from my rancid behind, was Chuck Mangione. I had always heard the legends but I never thought they were true. He was visible behind the shelf, having parted some products aside. His face was something between a grimace and a smile. Before I could speak, he called to me in a low whisper.
"You've got the stank-ass, brother...there's only one way to cure that...let old Chuckie fix you up." He was snaking out of the shelf as he said this. By the time my surprise had wore off, it was too late. He pulled me to the ground and swiftly removed my pants while gagging me with a tacky sweater. I could only manage muffled sobs of protest as he rammed his flugelhorn straight up my bum and began to play Feels So Good. I felt my insides begin to wash over with a strange sensation. And just as quickly as it started, it was over. Chuck slithered back into the shelf and I was left feeling oddly refreshed. I still keep the sweater as a reminder of that day.