I was a real shithead. I saw it hurt the kid, and I enjoyed it. I made him get in fights with special ed kids just to watch them get the shit beaten out of them. I made myself popular so everyone wanted to hang out, and made them do awful things just to do so.
When that kid offed himself, I went through an incredibly rough personal time with myself, because I didn't even consider that to be a thing. Not once did I realize it could be that bad.
Now I'm incredibly overly aware and terrified of the shit I want to say, and censor myself at every outcome just because I honestly was traumatized by it, and never want it to happen again.
Yet I'm afraid of getting help because I feel it's just desserts. I'm sure everyone would think I deserve it. I sure as fuck think so. But it's made socializing a living hell, because if I don't stop and wait a good 2-3 seconds to think out what I'm about to say, I'm guaranteed to get in trouble. It's awful.
Justice exists, folks. It exists.