>really, really need to shit
>Target bathrooms are fucked up as usual
>transit center bathrooms are pretty much a homeless motel and by default aren't an option
>Goodwill has no bathrooms
>am going to shit myself if I don't find a place in next 5 minutes
>see big rich people furniture store I've never been in, know that they have fountains and a bunch of elaborate patio decorations, also know from friend that they only let customers use toilets
>run in Goodwill and buy blazer and clip-on tie, probably don't even take a full minute
>slip them on, lucky I wore dress shirt today
>go into furniture store
>ask worker where the velvet couches are, I'm looking for one to decorate my waiting room, also ask if they have any fountains
>worker's face lights up and tells me they have a whole section for fountains and just got in a new leather couch, may also have velvet
>ask if I can use their bathrooms, since I'd hate to have to look around while needing to go
>lets me use their bathrooms
>take titanic shit for 20 mins
>come out, keep up rich businessman act
>look around, pretend to be unimpressed
>thank the worker, leave store with bowels cleansed. Success.
I used to think my life was a character study, now I realize it's a poop joke...
