>>111261960About a month ago my grandparents asked me to stay the night at their place. I told them unfortunately I had to go to work the next day, but id see them after that. My grandpa had a stroke that night, struggled for a few days in the hospital, and then died.
Of course, everyone has said “it’s not your fault, you couldn’t have known, even if you had been there it probably would have been the same, he was already very sick, etc” and what’s more is I knew him well enough to know he wanted his life to end very badly because he had been in and out of hospitals for a number of years now.
In spite of all that, my shitty brain wears this guilt like a sponge wears water. Not that I’d ever admit that off anon because I’m not a faggot. I stayed in that hospital room until the staff kicked me out, as though sitting there could change anything, and realized “I’m going to live with this.” Because there’s no undoing death. It’s not like a fight with a friend, or breaking your parent’s window, where you fucked up but can eventually solve the problem later. There isn’t a “solution” beyond platitudes, and eventually time
So yeah, death happens to everyone eventually and in the grand scheme of things nothing really matters, but our brains are going to release emotion chemicals that make us feel some kind of way about our loved ones dying regardless of how insignificant we all are, and that’s either shitty or beautiful, idk.
