>>104269653When I was a kid one of my favorite things was Peter Pan. I thought Wendy was kinda cute, but Tinkerbell made me feel that certain way that I think you can only feel when you're that young and that innocent. The feeling where you're not sure why your heart is thumping or why you always look at the part of the frame where she is.
I remember watching a VHS release of the original movie at a close family friends' grandmas' house on Christmas Eve when I was probably no more than 5.
Like a year or two later, Return to Neverland came out in theaters (I can still remember the exact theater and room, too), and we went to go see it. Again, every time I saw Tinkerbell, my heart raced, but this time around I knew it meant I had a crush on her. When it got to the part where it's reveled that she's basically dying because the girl doesn't want to believe in magic, it was the most scared and stressed out I'd ever been yet. I still remember sitting in the dark theater with my knees pulled up to my chin hoping my little brother or the family friend sitting on either side of me wouldn't ask if I was okay. I wanted to cry but I was little so I thought I'd look like a weenie if I did.
Every Christmas Eve since I can remember, my family has always gone to that same house for the same Christmas party, with mostly the same people as some of the oldest folk have sadly passed away over the last almost 20 years. Every year we go I'm as happy as can be, because I feel every single good feeling I've ever had with all of these people who are as close as I'm ever going to have to extended family. Nearly every day for the last 6 years I've thought about killing myself, and every time it gets really bad I stop to think about the people at Christmas who'll wonder what happened to me, and my poor parents would have to explain it to them. It's not just mine or my family's lives I'm hurting, it's theirs too. I can't bear that feeling.
Stay strong anon.
